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Riffin' on Vegans & Eggs

Riffin' on Vegans & Eggs

I don't know if I'm just on one after dealing with four young, plainly retarded, first time - or, at the very least casual - vegans as my last table tonight, but I'm two more ranch requests away from grabbing the hammer tucked under my 'Merican as fuck Charger's passenger seat.  Literally.  There's a fucking hammer under the seat.  I've been meaning to return it to my girlfriend's parents.  But these fucking virtue signaling cock-garbage individuals have me reconsidering that.  Think I'll keep it around as a safety blanket.  An "incase of emergency, break glass with hammer to get hammer" sort of deal.

Yeah, I'm on one.  Come the fuck on, though; you threw a fit about $1 toppings on your pizza like we should have bent over in gratitude of you electing for the vegan style pizza.  Most places will charge that amount.  I hate to tell you that.  And if they don't, then you're probably either getting some really sad, sad quality product where mushrooms are forced to grow up together in cages while having their tips clipped wishing that they were free-ranged, organic, sung too mushrooms, or the restaurant just makes bookoo bucks off their other shit.  Do your research before going out, and shut the fuck up.

We chucked an artificial, hydrogenated fat riddled bone at you called daiya cheese.  Why would you ever think it'd come free?  I mean shit, one of the essential oils in it is leading Orangutans to extinction, while simultaneously slapping vegans that actually know how to make faux cheese out of legumes & nuts,  smack-dab in the face.  That understood grossness alone deserves the impressively and morally low upcharge of $2.  I mean I'll stand here while you embarrass your limp-dicked hipster friends over your internal struggle of trendy "healthiness" vs. cheapness, but the three of them and the solo me are all thinking the same thing - if you only came equipped with a crumbled up ten, then why the fuck you trying to enjoy yourself on fourteen plus tax?  

Your life style is suppose to come cheap just cuz' you live off the occasional Dorito-lettuce sandwich?  Yeah, looking at all you unhealthy shitsters of perpetual guilt trips.  You do a disservice to the select few that can actually be vegan and not just be incredulous cunts constantly reaching for their own sad, protein starved emotional cocks...which you probably swallow on the regular, which brings me to vegans eating eggs...

Wait, wait, I forgot to add - you fucking had nine sides of ranch and a very, very dairy-loaded brownie with gelato.  Then stiffed me?  O.K.  I mean, I'd like to think your nightmares would then be plagued with mistreated animals followed by gut-rot.  But we both know you didn't just eat a bunch of dough, condensed oil, and ranch to then follow it up with loads of sweet, sweet animal products just cuz' it was your birthday.  You're a hypocritical fuck.  It's ok.  I expect nothing less.  You took the eighty-something loose change on the check presenter after paying.  I can't blame you, I mean shit - it wasn't even your fucking money!  How much do you have to suck as a person by the way for there to not be one person around you that would begrudgingly pay for you on your birthday without being guilt tripped by your sorry ass.  Hence, why I'm not surprised that taking care of me isn't a top priority after looking that bummy in front of those other shit heads with dirty feet and mass-produced twine "down for the indigenous peoples" bracelets.  You fucking dorks.  Sleep tight amongst those cow screams you monsters.

Vegans and eggs seem to boil down to more of a doctrine vs. sense.  And the only reason I say this toward eggs is because the consuming of eggs really don't result in murder, or necessarily mistreatment when done properly from a philosophically guided hand. These bitches gotta' lay eggs constantly.  These fucking miniature dinosaurs - research it, mayne - will lay this egg whether you torture it, fuck it, or leave it alone.

I mean, the fuck do I know?  I researched this for about five minutes and compared it with observations over years.  Cholesterol propaganda aside, as the sugar industry wants us all to consume this delicious shit until we bleed sweet white grains out the eyes circa 2016 Ebola scare, I think it's generally well understood these days that healthy fats include both animal fats and naturally rich in fat plants.  Included in this is the good cholesterol, animal style cholesterol - not talking In-N-Out with their shitty fries.  Eggs are essentially a loaded capsule of nutrients.  I'm not going to break this down because I'm at this weird juncture of being wired, yet very jaded.  If you want stats, ask me about basketball.  This shit talking's just word of mouf'.  Anyways...what makes eggs undesirable to vegans?

Aside from the zero animal products policy (fine print excludes really nice shoes and matching belts), industrial farming is notoriously just fucked.  So if you wanted to eat eggs guilt free, you'd definitely have to either get them from a reliable source, or raise the chickens yourself.  Let's just say you go with the latter knowing that you don't want these well taken care of egg carriers to be second-handedly influenced by this farmers immoral habits.  You just can't trust people, after all.  Dude could be an angel in the streets and jerking off in chicken feed under the sheets.  Speaking of chicken feed, I will absolutely not buy eggs that state the chickens diet on the front as vegetarian.  Chickens are fucking miniature dinosaurs - research it, mayne - and they eat bugs.  Shit, they'll eat chickens.  They'll eat whatever.  They're monsters.  Monsters that you're trying to save.  So if that little clucking demon is eating soy-grasshopper substitute, then I'm fucking worried.  Not trying to eat anything that depressed.

I got off track, and a little judgey.  Sorry.  Chickens get me riled up.  Alright, so at this point you're raising chickens and they're happily using that reptilian brain to devour grains, worms, table scraps, that cat that was ran over four days ago, and your baby should it be so unlucky to crawl into that forsaken coop.  It's cage free though and it's eyes aren't completely soulless.  Maybe.  Who knows, they're a different shade of black today.  Here's where we gather our guilt free egg.

Surround the chicken with about fifty cocks.  As in roosters.  I might have missed this step earlier.  You'll need to buy fifty cocks.  As in roosters.

If you haven't raised an eyebrow of concern at this's the time.  So this chicken is surrounded by fifty horny cocks.  The only way for this egg to not end up as a chicken, is for all fifty of these cocks to not fuck this chicken.  Fifty vs. one is pretty solid odds.  I'd bet on that chicken getting fucked.  I don't even think Mayweather vs. McGregor was that lopsided.  Give it like, twelve hours.  If one of those cocks can't make a decision in that time frame, then they don't deserve that shit.  You do though.  You deserve that unfertilized egg.  Not like in a fucking sense.  I mean like as in being able to eat it.  It wasn't going to be a chicken at this point.  And are you really going to shame this chicken that has already been denied by fifty cocks over the past twelve hours by not even frying up it's one, lone offering?  Don't be a dick.  Eat the egg.

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