Wednesday Night 2013
Read this with an open mind. Not a concerned mind.
Peripherals of childhood relevance to the left.
I knew that I had some shit to work out when fleeting childhood memories consisted of various placements of an old tree on it's side. In the backyard. Branches spiked out in various impaling angles. I might have gotten lost in every degree. Pretty sure that I eventually got over that bullshit when camping and actually slipping on such an angle. No longer looked to catch potential driftwood to the Adam's apple. Highs and lows allow years to pass.
Caught a substance though. Speakers can't get any louder, and spirits can't reach any lower. Reality is starting to look flooded in more ways than one. Blink, clear eyes and salt the cheeks. Pound that fucking dashboard as if any cracks made would suddenly amount to shit. Speed up. Fantasize about immediate life sans a seat belt. Wake up woefully aware of your current wreckage and not the easy one you longed for.
Reminiscent of an irrelevant childhood at my right. It wasn't that bad really. We just like to operate on the cusp of attention seeking delusion. Delusions of grandeur are easy to assimilate into motifs of thought. You want to die, then you die. You want to live, then you live. The hard don't fall in between such black and white. They only seek to entertain as a Mockingjay Lovebird. Do you follow?
Ambiguity never really gets any respect. What's the honest harm in reveling amongst choices? Bullets to the brain and Chipotle bowls. Simply entertaining either won't dictate an outcome. I know for a fact. I ended up at Macy's and bought a new vest. Definitely wasn't my goal, but Im enjoying my long, ridiculous walk back to my car. No bullets, and I'm hungry. Dichotomy duets throughout daylight. Disregarded and distant in the dark where mental duplicity double-deals. Where due diligence is deemed deplorable, but digging a ditch at this very moment seems dull. I'm enjoying this walk. I'm a solid D-word, and I'm not talking dick, away from reaching a destination of -
Pattern recognition is a mother fucker. We're all suppose to be able to do it - but the one's that are poor at it are simply stupid, and the one's that understand cycles of bullshit are mentally stunted by it. Stunted by a lessening of happiness while cynicism ramps up it's ugly campaign. Groundhog days exist around every corner in the maze of life - but, what if every time an unconventional path was taken, there existed beautiful options regardless. Does the journey itself solidify beauty then? It couldn't. It wouldn't and it shouldn't. There has to always be that gamble just as every year of your designated education had the potential to be spear-headed by uninspired cunts with rotting reigns. I only had a few of those. I'm not sure where they weigh in on when the grand scheme of all things is pondered; adversity will and should breed creativity.
And you shouldn't kill yourself. You're only robbing yourself of the chance to not feel some kind of way. Some other filter layering a different perception over the same reality. The thing to remember is that all lows are relative. You want to keep this in mind for when you see others suffer what is incomprehensibly foreign to you. You'll also want to keep this one in your back pocket for when your struggles feel incomprehensible to anyone else. They're not. You're experiencing the full range of everything that has existed before you. Nuanced depression does not exist.
Embracing relativity is another action in checking the ego. It's human nature to peak over the fence into thy neighbors yard. It's natural to be envious when it's better than yours. It's natural to be prideful when yours looks more pristine. The important thing that you need to learn is that getting caught up in the rat-maze of right & wrong turns still only results in some fucking shitty cheese. That's not to discount motivation. No, that's just to bring into perspective the bigger picture. The picture that paints itself as a series of meaningful strokes that define the canvas. Bad days weigh less than self-cheated potential.
I still picture that wall I contemplated colliding with. I saw it at the time play out and I'm every bit as narcissistic to be positive it would have worked. I drive past that wall a lot now jamming to the very shit I listen to while weaving these words.
Read this with an open mind, not a concerned mind. I'm only venting for the like minded. Mind over matter, and if you know one God damn thing about me - it's that I'm narcissistic with my matter. What matters though; is your mind.
If you haven't contemplated suicide, then you're probably not doing enough. Coincidentally, minimal effort often dreams up unnecessary conclusions. I'd love for baby to love me for playing on the radio - shades of Lana Del Rey. I just can't imagine death. It's the antithesis to our reason. Because our thesis throughout life is to make the most before we can't. And when the foreseeable path ends. Well. Wall. How did you like me. Seldom greener on the other side. Well. Wall. I'mma pass you.